Work was very slow today leaving too much time for my mind to wander. The weather is cold and gray with the off chance of a freezing snowstorm. Sounds lovely eh? I don't like days like this because they usually make me feel a bit more depressed than normal. As usual my thoughts turn to Hannah, how much I miss her, and how much life has changed since she died. Unless you have suffered the loss of a child, one can only imagine ( if their imagination will let them), the horror of it all. When people say to me "I can't imagine how horrible it is", I say, "you're right,  you can't and you don't want to know".

The other day I was talking to my friend E. Her son died in a motorcycle accident nine months after I lost my Hannah. Without going into too much detail she is going through a very painful tumultuous time with one of her daughters. I on the other hand, had also hit a rough patch after my son landed in the hospital again due to a really nasty flare-up due to his Lupus.  We commiserated on the phone about how difficult it is to find any inner peace or any form of normalcy since our children died and I posed the question "What if this is as good as it gets?"  At my support group, The Compassionate Friends (http://www.compassionatefriends.org/), we talk about shadow grief and how it will always be with us no matter how much joy and happiness are are able to find on our grief journey. I have, in rare moments, felt great joy since Hannah's death but I always think to myself, it would've been so much better if Hannah were here. Ah I miss that girl...

I just looked outside, the snow is starting to come down really hard with the wind blowing wildly. Maybe we will get the blizzard that was predicted, I don't have much faith in weather forecasters, it's all a crapshoot in my humble opinion!